by xandria

For Those, Like Me, Who Built a Wall Too High

Hello my sweet loves, I have been incredibly MIA on the blog this week. I am slowly starting back into working full time again, and it’s quite literally taking over my life. While I’m immensely grateful for the opportunity to even have work to be working on, I do miss finding that time to write in the early hours of the morning. But, I’ve always said this if you want something bad enough you need to make time for it in your life, so this is me holding myself accountable and promising myself to find more time to write, with you all as my witness. As always, I hope you have all been keeping healthy and safe, and enjoying the summer months, spending time with those you love as we continue to navigate this new normal, and of course please, wear a mask!

For anyone who reads my blog religiously, or has been following me for as long as I’ve been blogging, you know just as much as anyone that I never talk about my personal love life. Seriously, I’d much rather teach you all how to pickle carrots (I seriously loved pickled vegetables, so if there is demand for this pickled carrots post, I’m in) than write a blog post about how I went through a pretty toxic relationship, how I never seem to make it past the first date and how over the years of this seemingly predictable dating life, I’ve built a wall too high, even I don’t know how to break it down. As I sat down to continue writing a blog post I started earlier in the week, I couldn’t get in the rhythm. My head and my heart is here. I feel called to be writing about this, becasue I know there’s people out there who know what hurt feels like, what fear of letting people in looks like, and I know there’s others out there who build walls way too high, too.

I guess I should probably start by saying that you never have to face this realization of how high the wall you built really is, until you know there’s someone out there who wants to break it down, or…someone out there who you want to break it down. Now, this is a situation I never thought I’d ever been in, simply because I never realized how much my past experiences effected me. I never wanted to be the person that carried pain with her through life, I wanted to spread joy, shine bright with love everywhere I go. But that’s not real life. That’s not authentic life. Just like how you can’t feel the cleansing sensation of rain without clouds, you can’t expect to live a happy-joy-filled-life with no pain. I, like so many, brush away pain, and hurt, becasue I always saw it as a waste of my time. If I have 24 hours of the day, why waste a single one being sad, or angry, when I can be happy. Some might read that and commend me, and wish they too could look at life the way I do. While I wouldn’t ever change that about myself, I wish I allowed myself the grace to embrace the pain and hurt I’ve been through in my life, instead of closing myself in this makeshift box.

Understanding that pain is like a checked bag you have sitting in your room un-touched, weeks after you get home from a trip, put a lot into perspective for me. It’s not going to go back into storage until you set time aside to unpack, sort through and clean the contents. That’s why I’m thankful for my friends who call me out, when they see me start to draw back and push away, but insist on helping me sort through this, they force themselves beside me, and make sure I know I’m not walking alone. I could talk about the love I have for my friends all day long. They are blessings in the simplest of forms, sent to me, of all people, to walk beside through this life. To help break down the wall, and remind me that I’m worth more than the past has shown, more than I’ll ever begin to understand. If you have friends like mine, hold on to them forever.

I want to break this wall down, but I’m scared. I want to break this wall down, becasue even the most broken parts of me know that any great love in your life requires you to be vulnerable.

For anyone, like me, who built walls too high. There will come a time where you’re given the option to break it down. I pray you don’t shy away from that. I pray you welcome it, put your big girl pants on, and break that wall down one stone at a time. Bravely, and fearlessly.

Because even when you’re heartbroken, you know the potential to fall in love with someone is worth all of it.

What season of life are you in, what lessons are you learning? Do you build walls too high?

Follow me on Instagram @xandriadsilva

19 thoughts on “For Those, Like Me, Who Built a Wall Too High”

  1. Even though walls can protect us from unpleasant situations, walls in the wrong places can also be a blockade; preventing us from experiencing and seeing the world as we should. We need wisdom to set up walls in the right places and courage to break them down when all that they are is an encumbrance to our progress. You’ll never regret taking down the right walls. I’m proud of your bravery.

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    1. Thanks! I normally never write this openly so it’s really nice to see such overwhelming support for it. You’re completely right, eventually everything does heal.

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  3. I think every time you get hurt you build your wall a little higher. I have mine built too high as well and I’m working on lowering it. Walls help protect us but walls that are built too high stop us from experiencing life. I wish you the best with lowering yours!

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    1. thank you Pooja! I wish you the same. It’s funny, when you break down what human beings fear the most, its never something physical happening to you, it’s almost always the emotion associated with it. We fear unpleasant emotions becasue we as human beings are built to feel things deeply. I think that’s why so many of our walls are so high.

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  4. I can relate with you. I thought building a wall, can protect me but I feel like the higher it is the more i lose my connection to the people around me. I’m slowly starting to teach myself to open up more and rebuild my connection to the world. I wish the best for you. Sending you love 💖

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  5. “Understanding that pain is like a checked bag you have sitting in your room un-touched, weeks after you get home from a trip, put a lot into perspective for me. It’s not going to go back into storage until you set time aside to unpack, sort through and clean the contents. ”

    Xandria, this is so powerful. My partner and I have been together a year and a half. I truly believe the love we have is strong not just for the time we have invested in the relationship, but because of what we’ve been through as individuals. In fact, I believe we were brought together because our personal experience meant we could understand the unique hardships the other person had been through or continues to go through. My boyfriend is actually terminally ill. He’s had many major surgeries- spinal and open heart surgery. He literally had a broken heart when he was younger- during an unrelated operation the doctors discovered a hole the size of a golf ball. On three occasions he was considered mentally ill, one time for up to thirty minutes. He told me he met God. In all the time we’ve been together, he has cried on two occasions. The first was over a mistake he made that hurt me and the second over the death of his friend. He is the happiest person I’ve ever met. I myself have cried so many times over the smallest of things. He told me once that for him, being alive is miracle enough and surely a reason to be joyous. The way he puts it, he has very literally said “hey death, how are you doing death? bye death, today’s not it!”

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    1. Thank you for taking time to share with me your story! I can’t even being to express how much that means to me, that writing something down as a means of venting for me can connect me deeper with so many people who read my posts!

      Sending you both all my love! That is a beautiful story, and I can imagine a beautiful love that you have been so privileged to experience in your life. He sounds like an amazing man. Someone who has been through pain, and hurt but chooses, actively to see the beauty in everyday and chooses to spread love with everything he is. I admire that!

      This comment alone has given me the confidence to write more openly, and honestly about the more personal parts of me. So thank you my sweet friend ❤

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  6. Everything you just said Xandria. Everything. Those walls we build are there for a reason. We’ve been hurt, badly, and we never want to experience that kind of pain again. Our intentions for those walls start out good, they keep our emotions safe and they keep life level. But life isn’t meant to be level. Life is meant to be lived.

    I’m in the same boat as you. I was hurt very badly growing up, had my heart broken at an early age and that event has affected the rest of my life. My walls are high, near impenetrable, like yours. Not only did they keep love out but it kept me locked in. For years, I would shy away from opportunities because my insecurities kept getting the better of me. I thought I was wasn’t good enough or unworthy and that everything bad that happened was because of me and my fault and why burden others with that. I was thinking the wrong way. Only these past few years did I start to realize this and start to change. Bringing those walls down, brick by brick. Now, I have a lot of friends in real life and online (like you! ❤ ) and if I hadn't started to change little by little my life would not be as great and good as it is now. Nothing will ever be perfect. Life will always hurt us, but we get stronger and better at handling it. It's hard to let others in, so hard, but the right people are worth the pain. Everything that happens to us happens for a reason and at the end of this (as long as we dare to be vulnerable and build a kingdom in those walls of ours ) we will find we have tasted the sweetest nectar life can offer surrounded by all those we love and all those who love us. Faults and all. Your heart is going to break, my heart is going to break but one day (and that day will come) the right person WILL come and EVERYTHING will be worth it. Never forget and if you need anything (ANYTHING) let me know. I got your back ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3<3

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    1. Thank you for sharing this with me Jai, you sweet soul! It’s such a journey to rewire the way you perceive yourself and the world around you. Something that I’ve been working on for the last two years and something that I will continue to do till the day I die. I, like you, was someone who never really ever had things go my way, someone who always put my happiness in the hands of other who didn’t care to hold it, or care for it the way you would your own. It took pretty shitty things in my life for me to realize that the only person who will fight the hardest for you is yourself. That hit me hard. It also pushed me to be better. You’re completely right, nothing will ever be perfect. Life and those we love will hurt us, they’re human too. But I do believe you have a say in who you let hurt you and a say in how you handle what life throws at you.

      You are the best ever. I’ve told you this many times & I always have your back too ❤

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  7. Wow, thank you so much for sharing this! I loved reading this post, and I love how you allow yourself to show us your vulnerabilities, and, to me, that’s part of tearing down a wall, too! 😊 I hope, one day, you’ll be able to talk openly about what your experiences because you would’ve overcome them! I wish you all the best, from the little things I know about you, through your blog, you do spread love and happiness!
    Anyway, I truly think that there’s no wall that is too high to be torn down, it just gets a lot of patience, dedication and a bunch of self-love too 💕

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  8. this is an awesome post. thank you for sharing. It can be hard to let your walls down but it’s so worth it! Right now I’m happily dating my boyfriend. He is divorced and was very hesitant to let his walls down and be vulnerable again but I’m so glad that he did 🙂

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