Hello my sweet loves, I have been incredibly MIA on the blog this week. I am slowly starting back into working full time again, and it’s quite literally taking over my life. While I’m immensely grateful for the opportunity to even have work to be working on, I do miss finding that time to write in the early hours of the morning. But, I’ve always said this if you want something bad enough you need to make time for it in your life, so this is me holding myself accountable and promising myself to find more time to write, with you all as my witness. As always, I hope you have all been keeping healthy and safe, and enjoying the summer months, spending time with those you love as we continue to navigate this new normal, and of course please, wear a mask!
For anyone who reads my blog religiously, or has been following me for as long as I’ve been blogging, you know just as much as anyone that I never talk about my personal love life. Seriously, I’d much rather teach you all how to pickle carrots (I seriously loved pickled vegetables, so if there is demand for this pickled carrots post, I’m in) than write a blog post about how I went through a pretty toxic relationship, how I never seem to make it past the first date and how over the years of this seemingly predictable dating life, I’ve built a wall too high, even I don’t know how to break it down. As I sat down to continue writing a blog post I started earlier in the week, I couldn’t get in the rhythm. My head and my heart is here. I feel called to be writing about this, becasue I know there’s people out there who know what hurt feels like, what fear of letting people in looks like, and I know there’s others out there who build walls way too high, too.
I guess I should probably start by saying that you never have to face this realization of how high the wall you built really is, until you know there’s someone out there who wants to break it down, or…someone out there who you want to break it down. Now, this is a situation I never thought I’d ever been in, simply because I never realized how much my past experiences effected me. I never wanted to be the person that carried pain with her through life, I wanted to spread joy, shine bright with love everywhere I go. But that’s not real life. That’s not authentic life. Just like how you can’t feel the cleansing sensation of rain without clouds, you can’t expect to live a happy-joy-filled-life with no pain. I, like so many, brush away pain, and hurt, becasue I always saw it as a waste of my time. If I have 24 hours of the day, why waste a single one being sad, or angry, when I can be happy. Some might read that and commend me, and wish they too could look at life the way I do. While I wouldn’t ever change that about myself, I wish I allowed myself the grace to embrace the pain and hurt I’ve been through in my life, instead of closing myself in this makeshift box.
Understanding that pain is like a checked bag you have sitting in your room un-touched, weeks after you get home from a trip, put a lot into perspective for me. It’s not going to go back into storage until you set time aside to unpack, sort through and clean the contents. That’s why I’m thankful for my friends who call me out, when they see me start to draw back and push away, but insist on helping me sort through this, they force themselves beside me, and make sure I know I’m not walking alone. I could talk about the love I have for my friends all day long. They are blessings in the simplest of forms, sent to me, of all people, to walk beside through this life. To help break down the wall, and remind me that I’m worth more than the past has shown, more than I’ll ever begin to understand. If you have friends like mine, hold on to them forever.
I want to break this wall down, but I’m scared. I want to break this wall down, becasue even the most broken parts of me know that any great love in your life requires you to be vulnerable.
For anyone, like me, who built walls too high. There will come a time where you’re given the option to break it down. I pray you don’t shy away from that. I pray you welcome it, put your big girl pants on, and break that wall down one stone at a time. Bravely, and fearlessly.
Because even when you’re heartbroken, you know the potential to fall in love with someone is worth all of it.
What season of life are you in, what lessons are you learning? Do you build walls too high?
Follow me on Instagram @xandriadsilva